I can see the numbers on the scale getting smaller, my old clothes are fitting again, I can feel my body changing. But I can't really see the difference. So when somebody else mentions it I'm always kind of caught off guard. When you're a large person and you are embarrassed by your body, you tend to lie to yourself when you look in the mirror. You start to ignore your weight and you don't see how big you really look. The lie is easy to keep up, because looking into a mirror doesn't give a full picture of how the world really sees you. So to make sure that you can keep on lying to yourself, you avoid having your picture taken at all costs. Photographs don't lie. And when you have to look at one and see your true self, it can be pretty depressing.
I decided to find a picture of what I looked like at my heaviest and compare it to a picture of me now. I had to search my brain to try and remember when I'd dare let a full body shot be taken of me. Usually I hide behind anything I can. Typically whoever is standing next to me. But then I remembered one from last August at Shellie's company picnic. With all of the family being there, we of course had to get one big group photo. And we were put right in front. I was absolutely mortified. When we got home and I uploaded the pictures from my camera, I almost died. I felt so incredibly embarrassed. When I looked at the pictures this afternoon though, all I could do was smile. I could most definitely see the change. So I ran and grabbed my camera, threw on that same shirt, cinched it up and tucked it into the back of my jeans so it was tighter, and had Brandon take a picture of me for a side by side view. I may not be anywhere near where I want to be, and it might not even be THAT big of a difference yet, but it's enough of a difference to make me proud. And more importantly, enough of a difference to show me that I'm heading in the right direction.
Oh yeah, and the jeans I'm wearing in the recent picture..........4 sizes smaller.